Growing deeper roots

I read a quote this morning during my morning meditation that really resonated with me.

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” ~Dolly Parton

As painful as those storms can be, this rings true. We have all been there on some level.

Time for some real talk. 

I miscarried my first pregnancy this summer. I was still early in my first trimester, but it was quite devastating.

I can look back on it now, nearly six months later, and see how deep those roots have gone.

I can see how my relationship with my husband has deepened, my relationship with friends who have had similar experiences.

See, here’s the thing. I know I’m supposed to be a mom. Some women can go either way. They can be cool with or without kids. They can teach them and that's enough (and maybe teaching them makes them NOT want kids!). Maybe they are perfectly happy inheriting them from their partner.

Not me. I feel like that was one of the things I was put here on this earth to do. To actually birth a child. It’s a “thing” for me.

I have ended relationships with men who changed their minds and decided they didn’t want kids.

I was ballsy enough to ask my now husband on our first date if he wanted kids. (you should hear his equally important question to counter that...that’s another story!)

So to start living that dream and then have it taken away was incredibly heartbreaking.

Sadly, it’s very common. A pretty high statistic. I know more women than not who have miscarried than have had all their pregnancies be full term and lead to healthy babies. 

Michelle Obama talks about it here…

Ali Wong talks about it here…

It’s almost like its’ own mini #metoo movement. Once you open up and say “Hey, this really sad thing happened to me...” so many other women respond with, “Me, too. Been there. It really sucks.” 

I wish people would talk about it more. Only so that when it happens to us we know we are not alone. 

So here I am, talking about it.

It sucked. It was not a fun time. It was really painful both emotionally and physically. The cramping was one of the more painful things I have experienced. My heart broke during the entire process. Seeing moms with babies was hard. Joking comments from friends (who had no idea what was going on) about pregnancy and “When are you going to start making babies?!?!” was hard. Seeing pregnant women was hard.

But time seems to heal most things. I felt what I needed to feel, cried a lot, and moved on. I did not bypass any part of my healing process.

I strongly believe in the motto “If you can feel it, you can heal it.”

Now when people ask “Soooooo you’ve been married two years now… When is the baby coming?” I can smile, without my heart breaking, and reply “We’re working on it...” (wink wink)

Because that’s the fun part, right?

On a side note, getting pregnant is not as easy as I thought it would be. You can get the green light from the right medical folks, track everything, do all the right things at the right time, and still not get pregnant. It boggles my mind sometimes when I see younger women who are not planning to get pregnant, get pregnant. Damn you! I want your young genes! So I experience a little heartbreak each time my menstrual cycle starts up again when I thought we had timed things right. The early signs of pregnancy are very similar to those of your cycle starting up again. It’s this constant back-and-forth “Am I pregnant? Or am I just getting my period? Maybe I’m pregnant… No, maybe it’s just my period.” Ladies can I get an “Amen”? It’s hard.

So, you feel the pain, grieve, but don’t wallow in it (OK, maybe a little wallowing… ). Life goes on.

As does the cycle of life.

No, there is no happy announcement here.

All I can say is, “We’re working on it…” 😉

Do what makes you happy.