Dealing with disappointment...

It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

Dealing with disappointment.

Things that are not in your control.

How others handle things.

(which is not in your control)

Even when you do everything you can possibly do.

Michael and I encountered our first house hunting upset.

We found a beautiful home in the location we wanted. It checked all the boxes. It went live Thursday and we were one of the first people to see it. Put our offer in that night. It was clean and tight. And a damn good offer!

I will spare you the details, but we jumped through just about every hoop that was laid out.

And ultimately had a very disappointing and unprofessional experience. 

There was game playing involved.

And some unethical practices (including continuing with an Open House even with a ratified contract?!?).

UGH.

So we start again.

It’s interesting though. It is a great practice of non-attachment. And trying to be unemotional about what may be one of the biggest decisions of your life. At least for now.

But we have been enjoying some snow day fun!

And yummy breakfasts…

And experiments in how quickly 4 people can drink a bottle of wine (fun story!) … 

And this app we use for house hunting (homesnap)? It will tell you what houses are going for (well, estimated) which is really fun when you’re driving down the streets of DC. Or at your piano students’ homes…

Maybe I should charge more! LOL!

Oh, and nearly 9 hours of waiting in a virtual line was sooooo worth it for THESE tickets!

EEEEEEEK!!!

Life is good.

Even if we didn’t get the house we wanted.

The past few days’ workouts:

Do what makes you happy.

Go with the flow ... like wine.

A LOT is going on right now. 

I already knew this would be a busy month with recital preparation and all.

But I didn't know our "let's find a new home" would elevate to the next level.

Remember my "f**k perfect" post and getting our place ready to show without it being "stage ready"? Well, the couple that saw it LOVED it and gave us and offer we couldn't resist. So we are now under contract without ever having officially gone on the market. We are closing in less than 2 weeks and need to find a new place to reside by mid-May.

No pressure.

Ha!

We’ve been looking at houses. And searching HARD. It is not a buyer's market right now. There is very little inventory so it is pretty much a seller’s market. And if you are looking to buy, you better be checking out the latest listings daily. Because often times they get swept up, even before the Open House. At least the good stuff. The stuff we’re looking at.

It’s frustrating.

But forces you to practice the art of non-attachment.

Not getting your hopes set too high. 

Finding the perfect house but it being too small.

Or not having a two car garage (a must for us!).

Or being in the wrong neighborhood. UGH. That is the most frustrating. 

So we just go with the flow. 

And drink wine. 

Flow like wine. 

It helps.

LOL!

Today's workout:

Do what makes you happy.

Eff Perfect

I'm a perfectionist at heart.

And I've been challenged to let go of my perfectionism in many ways over the years. Certainly in my more recent "adult-ing" years.

I feel like I've been doing a fairly decent job with it, too.

Though I'm not always "perfect" at letting go of my perfectionism. LOL.

A few weeks ago, my hubby and I went out to dinner on a spontaneous middle-of-the-week date night at Roses Luxury in D.C. This is one of our go-to places. It was a long day and I definitely needed the good food, drink and, of course, company. As I was washing my hands in the bathroom, I had to chuckle as I looked at the art hanging on the wall.

F**K YES.

It was a great reminder and exactly what I needed in that moment.

Because, you know what?

We do the best that we can do in the moment.

Honestly, sometimes I don't feel like always doing my best.

I want to be mediocre in the moment.

And that's OK.

But I guess that is still doing my "best" considering I don't want to do my best?

I don't know. 

Hmmmm ... an interesting thought nontheless.

Anyway. 

I try to cleanse once a week. I did that yesterday. I was having a rough day and just couldn't do it. So I broke the cleanse at about 7pm (I was sooooo close!).

It wasn't perfect.

This morning...

Lordy be, this morning. I'm starting a new 3-week rotation of workouts. 

And the first thing on Day 2?

121 BURPEES.

Yes.

You read that right. 

One hundred and twenty-one.

They are deceptively difficult.

They were not perfect.

Because "eff" perfect.

Another example.

We are in the process of selling our condo. We have movers coming Saturday, painters coming Monday and Tuesday, taking photos Wednesday, and plan to go "live" next weekend.

We have a couple interested in our building and our realtor asked if she could show our place today before we officially go on the market.

Sure, no problem. What do we have to lose?

We scrambled to get it ready.

Was it "perfect"? 

NO WAY.

Boxes everywhere. Still feeling cluttered. Not "show" ready.

But it was as good as it was going to be. 

And finally, another daily reminder of letting go of my perfectionist ways...

Practicing.

Prepping for this recital amidst everything else I have going on.

Will it be perfect?

Nope.

But I am damn well going to do my best.

As the Roses sign says... F**k perfect. 

The last two days' workouts, in their imperfection...

Do what makes you happy.

What's in a name? Part deux...

"Larissa Smith began her piano studies at the age of four and made her public debut two years later at the Philharmonic Hall in Warsaw, Poland. An active chamber musician and solo recitalist, Ms. Smith has performed publicly throughout the U.S., Russia, Ukraine, Poland, and Germany...blah blah blah ...  Ms. Smith served as the director of the Piano Department at Thomas Edison High School ... yadda yadda yadda ... Ms. Smith teaches piano privately and was recently awarded the Steinway & Sons Top Teacher Award for 2016 and 2017 ... "

Ms. Smith this, Ms. Smith that. 

My entire existence as a pianist is as "Larissa Smith." 

All the concerts I have played.

The degrees I have earned.

The awards I have received. 

The concerto debut.

The multiple flyers and posters.

Larissa Smith, piano.

And as I prepare for another recital, I see: 

Larissa Rosenberg, piano.

Who is that?

I have no problem taking my husband's name. I wanted to do that. I still want to do that (well, it doesn't matter now because my name is legally changed...LOL!).  I have absolutely no regrets about it.

But as I look at the name that proceeds "piano" ... I don't know who that is.

Larissa SMITH did all those thing. Not Larissa Rosenberg. 

So I have a dilemma.

Something doesn't quite feel right about it. Yet.

Do I keep a "stage name" as Smith?

Do I start anew with Rosenberg?

It's a tricky predicament. Because being a concert pianist is not my career. And I don't ever plan it to be a career. But it is something I do every now and then.

I wasn't expecting to feel this way.

But here I am.

Without a solution at the moment. More a curiosity of the feeling and what to do next.

The reality is, I don't really have an issue with Larissa Rosenberg, piano. I DO have an issue with writing a bio with Larissa Rosenberg doing all these cool music things ... 

Because it was actually Larissa Smith that did all those cool music things.

A possible solution per my husband's creativeness:

"Most recently, Ms. Smith became Mrs. Rosenberg after walking down the aisle to Bacarolle by Chopin and also the theme from Rocky.  Ms. Smith would like to thank her parents, Paul & Christine Smith, for their constant support of her musical pursuits, and her husband, Michael Rosenberg, for his love and support and inspiration to continue growing as a musician and teacher..."

Good, right?

And it's true. I did walk down the aisle to Rocky and Chopin. 

To be continued... "What's in a name? Part 3"?

The last two days workouts:

Do what makes you happy.

TBT: Peak week, YOUR ten, that is enough...

I was recently inspired by a friend of mine who was competing in the Arnold Bodybuilding competition in Columbus, OH. She placed in the top 10! WOW!

It reminded me of how crucial that final week before a competition is.

The infamous "peak week."

Let me shed some light on the subject...

A TBT "ironbikini" post from November 2013:

"Happy peak week!"

This is something you often hear bodybuilders saying to each other during their final week of contest prep.

What? Peak week? What is that?

"Peak week" is the term used to refer to the last week of prep leading up to a competition. The purpose is to come in with full muscles and tight skin to reveal maximum muscle definition. Depending on what division you are competing in, of course. Obviously, peak week for a bodybuilder is much different than peak week for a bikini competitor. 

It isn't an exact science and varies from person to person. Really, it's just a big experiment. You don't really know how your body will respond until you actually do it. A lot of trial and error. Rarely does someone get the desired result on their first attempt. 

But something to always remember is that there is not much you can do during the last week that is going to fix something you haven't already accomplished during your prep. It's almost as if you want to be ready to step on stage one week out. 

That being said, the variables that are generally played with are: 

water intake

carbs

protein & fat

sodium & other minerals 

cardio & training

Just google "peak week bodybuilding" and you will come up with MASSIVE amounts of information. It can be rather confusing as a lot of it may seem like conflicting material.

Even in my own experience. During my spring prep, I drank over 2 gallons of water during the first half of the week to put my body in "flushing" mode. This time? Normal. Just my usual gallon. Have I noticed a difference? I don't know. I just know I don't have to go to the bathroom nearly as often! I still go down to half a gallon Friday and sip throughout the day Saturday (show time). That much has stayed the same.

I also ate more carbs during my spring show prep where as now I eat carbs every 18th meal. Have I noticed a difference? For sure! I have a lot more definition coming through and am seeing things in certain areas I have never seen before! The major drawback is weakness and low energy, of course. 

Cardio. Last time I was doing a whole lot more than I am now and came in looking really lean. I would venture to say that I was on a verge of having a "flat" look and didn't have quite the fullness in muscle that I do now. 

So, lots of different variables and I can't really say which one is the one that makes the biggest difference. Quite honestly, I don't really understand the science behind it yet (so fascinating!) so I still feel like a total newb in this department. Just doing what my coach tells me to do. :) But I find this all incredibly intriguing and plan to educate myself more in the off-season. 

But that's just the physical aspect. Let's get down to the good stuff: the emotional and psychological ones. Now here's where it gets really juicy. I definitely have the self-doubt that creeps in. ALL THE TIME. The moodiness. The irritability and anxiousness. The exhaustion. Both emotionally and physically. The moments of just wanting to throw in the towel and fall face first into a delicious gooey molten hot fudge brownie sundae (OK. maybe not. Sometimes I just crave deliciously prepared sweet potatoes. For realz). 

That's why it's important to have a support group and people you can reach out to and lean on. And bitch and complain to. At least for a little bit. People who get it. People who've been there. Because this sport is really difficult to understand unless you've actually been in contest prep before.

So when I read posts on Facebook by pros that I follow, athletes who have been at this much longer than I, I am deeply encouraged. Like just today. The amazing Brooke Erickson wrote:

"I learned that it is in our nature to never be satisfied. And although that is okay - it is important to be able to know the difference between striving for self satisfaction and striving for an unattainable comparison. I didn't necessarily compare myself to other individuals, but rather, I disregarded myself because I felt that me at my best wasn't as good as someone else at their best. This was and still is an unfair way to view myself because I am not that other person and regardless of what I do- I will never be anyone other than me. This is why I have adopted the concept of "I am enough." My ten is my ten and it is enough. I lost those three words for awhile and in the process I started to lose sight of why I do what I do...

If you find yourself in a place of self doubt or self comparison- always remember that your ten is your ten... no one else's. You are perfect just the way you are... You are enough."

This was exactly what I needed to hear today. It really hit home. I was really struggling today. Ready to be DONE. Say f**k it. (btw, just had a carb meal - this post is riding on the energy of that! LOL)

But then I remembered why I am doing this. And know that NO MATTER WHAT, I am bringing my best self to the stage. Each time. I am enough. My ten is my ten. And that is enough. 

So I keep plugging along, doing what I need to.

Getting my workouts in.

Getting my meals in. 

(funny side note: I had to squeeze in a meal during one of my private piano lessons this evening and had the kindest dog patiently waiting for a taste of tilapia & asparagus. he got bored. too cute!)

And knowing that I am only competing with myself and bringing to the stage a better version of me. 

(abs 4 weeks ago in competition vs. today, 4 days out)

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. 

* * * * * * * * * *

The result of peak week:

(the Sunday before to the day before)

Day of:

BAM.

Today's workout:

Do what makes you happy.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then...

...no, I'm not pregnant.

(though people keep asking because the assumption seems to be that 3 months after our wedding, we're pregnant ... LOL! We're not in that much of a hurry...)

BUT we are in the process of another step after marriage ... buying a house! 

It's very exciting.

And slightly stressful.

Because we are trying to sell our condo AND buy at the same time.

Our current situation:

This is my first time doing this, so I am learning A LOT.

Like the predicament of "We LOVE this place! But we don't have the cash yet..."

I'm learning new terms.

Contingent home sale.

Escrow.

MLS.

Bridge Loan.

Does not convey.

LOL.

It's also reminding me to practice the art of non-attachment.

Like "We LOVE this place! It's perfect!"

Oh, "under contract."

UGH.

On with the search.

So I just continue browsing on realtor.com, Zillow, Housesnap ... my new favorite websites and phone apps. 

As unnerving as it can be sometimes, I trust that we will find the right place for us. Even if it's not perfect. Because I think that's a pretty high standard to have. Elements of it will be what we're looking for, but not all of it. That's just waaaay too much pressure and not realistic.

It's crazy to think about buying a home that you want to be in for awhile. At least the next 10 years, if not longer. So you start thinking about schools, does the neighborhood have a community-feel, how close are the grocery stores and gyms, stuff like that. Stuff I wasn’t thinking about 4 months ago, that’s for sure! Ummm, can I just say “bride brain”? 

I will miss Old Town. Very much. But it's just not realistic for us to settle there.

So to the Open Houses we go!

In the meantime, I still continue with my workouts and delicious food my husband makes me. 

And continuously breathing and practicing the art of non-attachment.

The last few days workouts:

Do what makes you happy.

TBT: 10 days in silence, aka Vipassana Meditation

I am not really a morning person. 

I know it may seem that way.

I am kind of a forced morning person.

I mean, I don't jump out of bed with lots of energy and super excited about the upcoming day ahead. 

Who does?

Well, maybe on my wedding day. LOL.

But I am a ROUTINE person.

I wake up at 5am most weekday mornings and start my morning routine (which I talked about here).

Coffee.

Meditation.

Quiet time.

This is HUGE for me.

Especially for someone who is very much an introvert. Leading an extroverted life.

I don't meditate very long. Only 11 minutes.

In silence. 

No music.

Just sitting.

Sometimes my cat joins me.

Following my breath and watching my thoughts. Attempting not to cling to them.

I am not always successful with that.

You see, I used to do 10 day silent meditations.

They weren't "retreats" per say. There was nothing retreat-like about them.

They were "courses" teaching the style of Vipassana, or Insight Meditation.

You can read about it here, here, and here. Oh, and a really neat documentary about how they brought it into prisons! Yey, Dhamma Brothers on Netflix.

I wrote about unplugging in my very first blog, "ironyogini". 

It was a game changer for me. This style of meditation offered me a new perspective in a lot of ways.

It's been nearly 5 years since I've done a 10-day course and I've been itching to go back.

In line with a my TBT posts, here is a post I wrote on June 25, 2013 on my former "ironbikini" blog (see a trend? LOL!) about an upcoming course I was taking. Enjoy!

I would say this is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than any crazy athletic endeavor (yes, even Ironman training!), harder than dieting for a figure competition. Because there is no way to distract yourself. No talking, eye contact, gesturing, reading, writing, listening to music, cell phones, any form of electronic device, yoga, exercise (oh, the horror!), etc. You literally just meditate, sleep & eat. Wash, rinse, repeat. For 10 days. Beginning at 4am. Just you and your crazy thoughts. Yes. Terrifying. Did I mention I love intensity? 

Being that this is my 3rd year in a row participating in this course (I refuse to call it a "retreat" since there is nothing spa-like and relaxing about it … this is hard work!), I know what to expect. And I also know that each sit is a completely different experience. For some it is life changing. Completely transforming. For others, there are more subtle changes (like in my own experiences). But incredibly penetrating. Something deep within will never be the same again.

On the physical level, this will be very different as I am coming straight off of a bodybuilding lifestyle. Where I train nearly every day and eat 5-7 times a day. Now I'm doing absolutely no exercise and fasting by only eating twice a day. AGHHHHHHHHH!

My mind is going crazy. "OMG, will I lose my fitness level? Will I mess up my metabolism? All this hard work! GONE!" 2 weeks. TWO freakin' WEEKS!

Silly mind chatter.

As I had my moment of freak-out (actually, it wasn't that bad … I know my body needs a break and will benefit tremendously from 2 weeks off), a friend of mine reminded me how this will actually help my training. Because I always try to take a holistic approach in everything I do. 

It's not just about building & strengthening muscles on the body, It's about building muscles in the mind. Strengthening it, focusing it, allowing it to relax. And that can only be done when you actually take the time to stop. And BE. This type of meditation is about noticing the sensation in the body (pleasant or unpleasant) and realizing that it is all impermanent. In a constant state of change. This too shall pass…

And when you get distracted by that crazy monkey mind? Just come back to the breath. Breathe. Notice. Feel. Again and again and again … as the instructor of the course so infamously says "start agaaaaaaaain…"

So here we go. 8-10 hours of meditation a day. Just me and my thoughts. 2 vegetarian meals a day. No exercise. Complete disconnect from the outside world. Time to go deep within. 

Got enlightenment?

LOL.

Makes me want to go back. Life was incredibly simple then.

Today's workout:

Namaste.

Do what makes you happy.